Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of ‘Hard Talk’: the popular television interrogation session in which we make it as “hard” as possible for our guests to “talk”, by constantly interrupting them the moment they are about to actually make their point. I’m your host, David Shutup, and tonight we will be making it hard for our guests to talk about the latest scanda… I mean, development, whereby Malta has finally overtaken Italy to the number one spot in the prestigious “C-Otto” list: i.e., the chart of Corrupt Nations which have done the most to stamp out correct practices wherever these occur.
That’s right, folks: according to the latest statistics released by EuroTwit – the official EU agency for idiotic observations – Malta boasts the lowest number of government departments and autonomous authorities to have never, ever been embroiled in any form of corruption scandal whatsoever. The same statistics also reveal that Malta has the lowest rate of corruption-related inflation – with traditional bribes taking the form of measly sums of money and at times even shopping bags full of basic groceries – making our country the cheapest destination for the would-be government corrupter.But before we all go patting ourselves on the back for a job well-botched, it would be worthwhile revisiting the dynamics of this momentous achievement.
After years of sporadic corruption cases – including the recent “Justicegate”, in which two senior judges were forced to resign over bribery allegations involving the paltry sum of Lm5,000 – Malta appears to have finally shed all pretence of integrity, and embraced its natural vocation as a “world centre for excellence” in corruption.This year alone, we have witnessed the re-emergence of a “cash-for-licences” scandal at the ADT (“Awtorita’ Dwar it-Tixhim”); a festering hub of corruption involving anywhere up to 800 dodgy maritime licences issued by the MMA (“Malta Mercenary Atrocity”); and now the latest – an apparent network of social services abuses, involving the very highest levels of authority within the Ministry of Wealth, and in which the going rate to secure one’s invalidity pension appears to be – I kid you not – one frozen chicken and a couple of skinned rabbits.
With us to discuss this apparent combustion of public trust in every single State institution is Professor L. M. Donor: an authority on endemic Maltese corruption, who paid us a very generous bribe of Lm175 to come onto the programme in the first place. Greetings, Professor. Can you tell us: just how difficult was it for Malta to become a centre for world excellence in corruption, anyway?“Actually, not as difficult as many Europeans might think. Part of the reason is because, unlike other countries where corruption is generally considered a crime, here in Malta it is actually grudgingly admired by a large section of the population; possibly even the majority…”
Are you trying to say that corruption is more accepted in Malta than elsewhere?“Absolutely. In fact, it is so widely acknowledged as the proper way to do things, that many people are unaware that certain practices even qualify as corruption to begin with. Consider, for instance, the famous ‘tangentopoli’ scandal in Italy in the early 1990s; or even the recent ‘cash for honours’ scandal in the UK, where prominent businessmen were ‘awarded’ seats in the House of Lords in return for massive donations to the Labour Party…”
Hang on: If I understood correctly, what you’re actually saying is that in Italy and the UK, certain businessmen made donations to political parties in return for contracts and/or positions of influence and power. If this is true… well… who cares? What’s the big deal? “Well, nothing, obviously. It’s what we in Malta have been doing now for generations. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine how business would even operate, if we had to legislate against secret donations to political parties, like ordinary countries did years ago. But you must remember we’re dealing with inferior European states here, some of which are so primitive that corruption is even against the law. So much so that in Italy, certain businessmen even committed suicide upon receiving an ‘avviso di garanzia’... instead of being awarded with the country’s highest honour, which is what probably would have happened here…”
So what you’re saying is, it’s “cool” to be corrupt in Malta…“Let’s just say that there’s nothing shameful about it. It’s normal. If anything, it’s doing things by the book that is frowned upon in Malta. Take the example of a man who has been working diligently in a government department for years, without ever having been visibly on the take. You will find that, instead of respecting him for his integrity, his own friends and family will privately refer to him as a ‘pastizz’. The same, charming little epithet will also be reserved for anyone who endangers the privileged status of corrupt businessmen and politicians by actually paying their taxes, or employing workers legally, or paying their employees’ social security contributions, or going through all the proper channels when applying for a permit…”
I see. Well, thank you, Past… I mean, Profs, but that’s about all the time we have reserved for intellectual nonsense this evening. And now, for our really important guest, who is none other than (pause for genuflection) the glorious and honourable Minister for Institutionalised Corruption and Fraudulent Policy in person, who very kindly consented to take time out of his busy, palm-greasing schedule to visit our humble studios.
Welcome, Minister, to Hard Talk. Before I begin: remember that brown envelope I mentioned over the phone earlier? Well, it’s right here under my desk… “Fine, just leave it on my chair the moment I get up to go at the end. Meanwhile, you can get off your hands and knees now…”
Thank you. But onto tonight’s subject. As the minister responsible for stamping out correctness wherever it raises its ugly head, do you feel vindicated by this latest recognition of your incredible achievements?“Yes. But I must concede that I was alone in bringing about this extraordinary success. Malta’s promotion to the upper ranks of European sleaze is the culmination of years – decades, in fact – of hard, painstaking work by succeeding administrations of government to instil in our country an innate corruption ethic in virtually every sphere of life. But it would be unwise to rest on our laurels at this stage. “So far, our policies appear to be bearing fruit. But despite all our efforts, public trust in State institutions has not been completely eroded yet. There remain some underperforming departments, in which there have either been no corrupt practices at all, or in which corruption has not been fully revealed as yet…”Is this the purpose behind the new Authority you’ve just established?“That’s right. The government I represent has long been a believer that public-private partnerships are the way forward to achieve our declared aim of 100 per cent corruption by 2010. With this in mind, we have just established the brand new Corruption Of Malta Authority (COMA), which amalgamates the worst of all autonomous authorities and bureaucratic government departments into one, stinking cess-pit of opaqueness and unaccountability…”
But what’s different between COMA and other authorities?“There are many differences. For one thing, COMA is the only authority in which board members are automatically screened for possible conflicts of interest. However, this does not mean that failure to have a conflict of interest would automatically preclude you from becoming a member of the board. Generally speaking, we allow board members a five-month ‘grace’ period, in order to procure themselves a conflict of interest in the very rare event that they don’t already have one of their own – either by engaging in a private practice in a way that is specifically prohibited by the Authority statute; or by getting married to the best friend of the wife of a government minister, responsible for the very process they themselves are theoretically overseeing. “Having said that, COMA is very much an equal opportunities institution: we employ all corrupt officers equally.”Has COMA received any complaints about unabusive practices at the workplace?“Yes, but thankfully only a few. At the moment we are investigating reports of a government department employee who allegedly refused to accept a bribe, as required by the Corruption Act 2005. At this stage, it is merely an allegation. But nonetheless we are taking it very seriously, as the possibility of a single honest government employee may hinder us from achieving our main target: zero tolerance for integrity by 2010.” As you yourself stated, Malta is well on its way to achieving full compliance with the EU’s Kickbacks Directive. What does this entail, exactly?“Quite simply, the total eradication of honesty and integrity from all aspects of the public service. In actual fact, this is more difficult than most people seem to think. For despite our best efforts in only recruiting employees with a long history of involvement in illicit affairs, it must be said that the occasional honest, bona fide civil servant still occasionally slips through the net. “For instance, during one of our routine anti-correctness inspections, we discovered that the document-shredding machine in a certain government ministry hadn’t been properly oiled in weeks. As a result, the department could only manage to shred half its quota of incriminating documents… and even then, the documents were only partially destroyed, leaving numerous fragments which could later be pieced together by inquisitive journalists. “I mean, honestly: how can we be serious in the fight against correct practices, when we can’t even rely on unscrupulous employees to shred documents properly?"So what new developments can we expect in the ongoing fight against correctness?“The most important piece of legislation currently in the pipeline is a new Whistleblowers’ Act. According to this new law, whistle-blowing – i.e., unfairly reporting perfectly legitimate corrupt practices to the relevant authorities – will be made a criminal offence, liable to up to 12 years of being forced to watch ‘Ta’ Horrox Borrox’ on Net TV, without possibility of parole… (unless, of course, the accused is willing to apply for a pardon like everybody else.) “And finally, after granting numerous contracts by direct order to leading canvassers from one specific constituency, we decided to open a new academy of corruption: “MCRAP” (The Malta College for Remuneration Against Presents), to be opened under the auspices of Malta’s dodgiest educational facility, the Foundation for Tomorrow’s Fools.”
Thank you, Minister, for being paid for your presence on Hard Talk. This is your host, David Shutup, and now it’s time for us to take a commercial break… don’t go away, we’ll be right back…
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